Coping with grief at Christmas

Christmas is associated with joy and celebration. A time when, traditionally, people spend time with their families and loved ones. This can be difficult for those spending Christmas alone, particularly as preparations seem to start well before Christmas.

For those who are grieving, Christmas can intensify feelings of loss and sadness.

This can be particularly the case during the first Christmas without the person you love being around. You may feel you want to miss Christmas altogether, even if there are friends and family wanting you to take part.

It’s important to remember that there is no right or wrong. No rules. Do what you need to do. And do it as one moment, one step, one breath at a time.

There are some things you can do that might help you over this difficult period:

1. Avoid the hype.

Christmas is everywhere. You can cut down your exposure to it by using advert blockers online, unsubscribing from marketing emails, watching DVDs, recording live TV so you can fast-forward the ads, and watching or listening to streaming services or BBC to avoid ads. Shop online (at independent shops if possible) to avoid Christmas ‘fluff’ and endlessly looping Christmas music.

2. Give yourself permission.

Give yourself permission to laugh, cry, go out, stay in, or go to things and leave early. And whatever you plan to do, you are totally allowed to change your mind.

3. Say no - and don’t give in to pressure from others.

Don’t feel compelled to join in festivities that you would rather avoid or to spend time with people you feel don’t understand how you feel. Just say no. You don't have to go to the party, wear the jumper, or get involved in the Secret Santa if you don't want to. Spending Christmas alone, with friends, with strangers, working, volunteering, whatever – if it's what you want to do, then just do it. Don't feel that you have to fit in.

4. Announce your intentions early.

Talk about your intentions for the festive period early, to stop the well-intentioned invitations. Plan Christmas Day in advance, perhaps visit your local church, make yourself a special breakfast, buy yourself a present to enjoy on the day - or escape to a remote shepherd’s hut!

5. Be aware that things can get overwhelming - and have an exit strategy

If you are part of a big celebration, it can get too much sometimes. Take a breath, try grounding techniques, or find a quiet corner for a moment, or head out into the middle of nowhere and yell at the sky. Driving or having a taxi booked means that you can leave early if you want to – taxis can always be rescheduled if you find you are having fun.

6. Ignore Christmas completely.

It's allowed. Buy nice non-Christmas food, stock up on non-Christmas films, binge on box sets. Shut the door on Christmas Eve and ignore the world, and then emerge on Boxing Day. Switching off social media can help you to keep Christmas away too.

7. Volunteer.

Volunteer to help at a local charity, such as one providing meals for the homeless or the elderly over the Christmas period. This can be a welcome distraction at the same time as helping others. But equally, don’t feel you have to.

8. Create new memories.

Do something totally different. Stock up on goodies, stack your Kindle full of books, see a friend for Christmas lunch. You might want to put up a tree and decorate it with mementos of your loved one, or light a candle in their memory. Go out and ‘just be’ whilst looking at a view, potter around, eat your body weight in chocolate, and sleep. You can have a tradition of not having a tradition. Create new memories.

9. Look after yourself.

Exercise, such as a gentle walk, is a good way to boost the endorphins that can trigger a positive feeling. Eating well and getting enough sleep are always important in helping to keep you healthy, particularly so during the festive period. Try not to drink too much alcohol as this could lead to feelings of anger, aggression or depression.

10. Enjoy it.

It might be a good idea to make some plans, otherwise you might just drift and feel worse. But don't plan so much that you feel guilty about not doing it all. Stock up on the food you need, decorate the house and tree if you want to, plan to catch up on some hobbies or some reading, go for a walk, pamper yourself with a long bath. Whatever you really fancy that you don't normally have time to do. You are allowed to enjoy whatever it is that you are doing. Don't feel guilty.

Whatever you do, make sure it is your decision. Do what you feel like doing on the day - or decide to ignore Christmas altogether and treat it as any other day.

Oakhaven Wellbeing is here to support everyone in our community who is coming to terms with a loss or bereavement. Click here for information about support groups available as well as signposting to other grief support services.