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Wellbeing

The importance of conversation about dying matters

7 May 2025 by Tanya Baddeley

Two people having a conversation

The importance of conversations about dying matters

As part of Dying Matters Awareness Week 2025, Oakhaven's Pastoral and Spiritual Care Lead, Lois Collings, considers conversations about and consideration of dying matters...

In 2017, the BBC aired a documentary film called A Time to Live. The film followed the lives of twelve people who had received a terminal prognosis and explored how they had found ways to celebrate life, making the most of their remaining time. The film was both moving and thought-provoking. It showed how they had come to terms with their mortality and, in the process, had encountered a sense of growth and healing that had given their lives a deeper meaning, acceptance, and even joy. This speaks to a profound paradox: that, in acknowledging death, we may come to live more fully.

To live fully is to accept that death is a part of the journey of life

This is a recurring theme in many of the world’s various philosophical and religious belief systems. The changing seasons offer us a powerful metaphor for the various stages we face throughout our lives, reflecting the natural cycle of growth, decline, and renewal.

We are all familiar with the cycle of life and death that shapes own human existence. Richard Rohr writes: “Death is not just physical dying, but going to the full depth of things, hitting the bottom, beyond where [we] are in control. And in that sense, we all probably go through many deaths in our lifetime.”

Sundial in the Oakhaven Hospice garden

At Oakhaven, we see time and again how the awareness of mortality can awaken people to what truly matters. Far from being solely about loss, dying can be a time of deep connection, reflection, and personal transformation.

Lydia Dugdale, in The Lost Art of Dying, outlines two essential elements for living and dying well. First, to accept our finite existence; and second, to embrace the support of a community. We need others to walk alongside us, bear witness to our struggles, and hold us in love.

Why talk about death and dying?

How we think and talk about death and dying is important - personally, with our family and friends, in society as a whole, in general terms or more specifically as we face our own, or a loved one’s terminal prognosis. Such conversations help us see how death is a natural part of life, not something to be feared or avoided. Talking openly about our hopes, fears, and wishes can allow us and our loved ones to prepare, connect, and support one another through the most challenging of times. Ultimately, talking about death and dying is an act of choosing to live with intention, right to the very end.

two people having a hug

A holistic approach

Oakhaven's holistic approach addresses the physical, social, mental, emotional and spiritual aspects of care for patients and their loved ones. Anyone who has navigated the path of terminal illness will know that differing aspects of a person’s care needs often co-exist, sometimes in a complex and messy way. Our skilled team of multi-disciplinary professionals are available to help patients and their loved ones talk about death and dying at all points along the journey. And we also want to engage the community.

This week, Oakhaven Hospice is participating in Hospice UK’s Dying Matters Awareness Week. As a centre of palliative care excellence, we strive at all times for our patients and their loved ones to live as fully as possible in the light of a terminal prognosis.

There has been much in the news recently about the Assisted Dying Bill, but also encouragingly, a widening discussion about the provision of palliative care and the role of hospices in helping people to die peacefully and in a dignified manner.

Returning to the documentary film mentioned earlier, it seemed as if each participant found a way to face their prognosis with grace and dignity. Whether seen as a final transformation, a completion, or a passage to something beyond, death invites us to reflect on legacy, hope, and healing. These reflections – mental, emotional, and spiritual – can help us to live more fully, even to be more fully alive, whilst also dying.

If you have read this far, we invite you to join a broader conversation about how we think about death and dying – whether it is a new topic for you or something you have long considered.

Consider these questions:

  • How far do you see your own cycles of growth, decline and renewal?
  • Where have you found transformation in the midst of loss?
  • What has helped you through difficult times?
  • How have you celebrated life’s gifts, even the hard-won ones?
  • Who has walked alongside you and witnessed your journey?
  • Where have meaningful conversations occurred – and where have they been absent?
  • How can Oakhaven help to create space for those conversations, individually, in groups, or across the wider community?
family walking together outside

Death remains a mystery

Beyond experiencing physical symptoms, people will often grapple with profound questions—about meaning, legacy, forgiveness, fear, hope, and what lies beyond. At Oakhaven, we are committed to helping people live most fully while caring for their physical decline and demise. We hold a space where people can explore in depth all that is important to them and their loved ones. That is where true dignity in death and dying lies; honouring all that it means to be fully human, and that is why talking about death and dying is so important, because Dying Matters.

Download your conversation starter

I will not die an unlived life

by Dawna Markova

I will not die an unlived life
I will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible,
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance;
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit.

blossom in the Oakhaven garden
Dining Divas

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Oakhaven Hospice Family Fun Day

Oakhaven Family Fun Day

Everyone is welcome at our family fun day on Saturday 28th June, this year with a circus theme!

Find out more!

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Filed Under: Wellbeing

Dying Matters Awareness Week 2025 – the culture of dying matters

5 May 2025 by Tanya Baddeley

The culture of dying matters

Dying Matters Awareness Week – The Culture of Dying Matters

Dying Matters Week is an annual campaign, led by Hospice UK, that encourages all communities across the UK to open up the important conversations about death, dying, and bereavement.

The theme of this year’s campaign is ‘The Culture of Dying Matters’. It is an opportunity to explore how different communities and cultures talk about and deal with death and dying, and what brings them together.

There are, of course, many differences in the ways that different cultures and faiths approach and mark death and dying. But at their core, feelings about dying and our experiences of grief are universal emotions that we all share, no matter who we are or where we live.

While a friend or family member’s death can affect every person differently, studies of grieving brains have shown that there are no scientific differences in relation to race, age or religion. We can all feel the impact of the loss, helplessness, sadness – but we may do it, and show it, in different ways.

We may all talk about death and dying in a multitude of ways, but we share a common thread.

Start the conversation

For many, death can be a scary topic, and you might think, why talk about something so sad? Talking about dying or death won’t bring it any closer. However, it will help you to plan for life and help you and those around you to make the most of the time that you do have.

We understand it can be a difficult subject to approach and you may not know where to start. To help, we have created a conversation starter with some suggested questions to get you started.

Click here to download your conversation starter...

Pastoral and Spiritual Care at Oakhaven Hospice

At Oakhaven Hospice, our Pastoral and Spiritual Care team is available to all our patients, their families and loved ones. The team offers social, emotional and spiritual care and is available to support and to listen deeply to people of all faiths and none.

We recognise that spirituality is understood differently by individuals: for some, it involves faith and religion, whilst for others it is about relationships, hobbies, traditions, heritage, or the natural world. Spirituality is that part of us that gives meaning, purpose and hope to our lives, connecting us with others and, for some, connecting them with a sense of something greater than themselves.

The Sanctuary in our Inpatient Unit is a dedicated place set apart for anyone to visit at any time; a place to sit and reflect. This multi-faith space provides a special space and resources to help patients and their loved ones explore and connet with their feelings and emotions.

Download your conversation starter
The Sanctuary at Oakhaven Hospice
The Sanctuary, the dedicated multi-faith space at Oakhaven Hospice
Dining Divas

Dining Divas

Book now for our fundraising lunch at the Captain's Club on Wednesday 11th June

Book now!
Care for a cuppa

Care for a Cuppa

Could you host a coffee morning or tea party to help raise funds for Oakhaven Hospice?

Register today!
Oakhaven Hospice Family Fun Day

Oakhaven Family Fun Day

Everyone is welcome at our family fun day on Saturday 28th June, this year with a circus theme!

Find out more!

Make a donation

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Filed Under: News, Wellbeing

Stress Less for Wellbeing – a six week course at the Coates Centre

28 April 2025 by Tanya Baddeley

stack of stones on a pebble beach

Stress less for wellbeing: a new six-week course for all

Stress can affect us all in a variety of different ways.

Our brand new six-week workshop explores the impact of stress on our overall daily well-being. Open to everyone in our New Forest, Totton and Waterside community, it provides an opportunity for you to consider your personal resilience, gain a better understanding of your own responses to stress, and learn new coping strategies to help mange them.

The course of six workshops will take place at the Coates Centre in the grounds of Oakhaven (Lower Pennington Lane, Lymington SO41 8ZZ), on six Mondays between 10 am and 12 pm, and will include the following elements:

  • Understanding stress and the holistic impact it has on our wellbeing
  • Five pillars of wellbeing
  • The importance of relaxation
  • Complementary therapies and how they can help symptom management of stress
  • Holistic self-therapy, putting yourself at the centre of your own wellbeing plan
  • Smart goals to achieve a reduction in stress

Each session will build your awareness and understanding, using a range of practical activities, therapies, remedies and mindfulness approaches to help you build your own wellbeing plan.

Please note this is not an urgent or crisis service and is intended as an educational, rather than clinical workshop.

The course will be taking place from 10am to midday on each of the following dates:
Monday 2nd June
Monday 9th June
Monday 16th June
Monday 30th June
Monday 7th July
Monday 14th July

Introductory offer!

This new course is being provided initially at £60 for the 6 sessions.*

Book your space today by contacting either Lee Rand, Wellbeing Coordinator, or Sally Woods, Complementary Therapy Coordinator, by emailing wellbeing@oakhavenhospice.co.uk.

Alternatively, please telephone Sally Woods on 01590 638497 or Lee Rand on 01590 613025.

We look forward to warmly welcoming you to this new workshop!

*Payment is required in advance. This is only refundable if cancelled by the Coates Centre.

Book your space on our Stress Less for Wellbeing Course
mindfulness, relaxation, journaling, anti-stress
Dining Divas

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Book now for our fundraising lunch at the Captain's Club on Wednesday 11th June

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Care for a cuppa

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Could you host a coffee morning or tea party to help raise funds for Oakhaven Hospice?

Register today!
Oakhaven Hospice Family Fun Day

Oakhaven Family Fun Day

Everyone is welcome at our family fun day on Saturday 28th June, this year with a circus theme!

Find out more!

Make a donation

£20 donation
£50 donation
£100 donation
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Donate button

Filed Under: News, Wellbeing

Outdoor Activities for Health and Wellbeing

19 August 2020 by Steph McClean

By Karen Silverthorne

Whatever you have going on in your life right now,  it’s important to pay attention to your health and wellbeing.  Looking after your physical needs can have a knock-on effect on your mental state and this can put you in a better position to help yourself and those around you.

Exercise can provide a plethora of health benefits including helping to:

  • reduce your risk of heart diseases;
  • manage your blood sugar and insulin levels;
  • keep your thinking, learning and judgment skills sharp as you age;
  • strengthen your bones and muscles, slowing the loss of bone density as you grow older;
  • control your weight;
  • reduce the risk of some cancers;
  • reduce the risk of falls – something that can increase with age;
  • improve sleep;
  • improve your mood due to the chemicals that are released in your body when you exercise.

Exercise can take many forms and maybe one of the things to consider is: ‘Should I exercise indoors or out?’.  Like anything, there are pros and cons to either choice.

But as the weather in this country often provides a reason to stay inside, why not take advantage of the British summer and leave exercising indoors to when the winter months arrive?

The exercise itself will help produce endorphins in your body which are a feel-good hormone that boosts your mood.

Outside activity can help ward off seasonal affective disorder (SAD), depression and anxiety because sunshine naturally increases serotonin, another hormone that has a positive affect how you feel.

Often referred to as the sunshine vitamin, being outside in the sun, gives your body a chance to produce vitamin D.  This vitamin has several important functions; probably the most well-known being that of bone health.  But there is also some limited research to suggest people who are depressed are more likely to have low levels of vitamin D, and people with depression who received vitamin D supplements noticed an improvement in their symptoms.  More studies are needed though, before any definitive conclusions can be drawn.

If you’re unsure what type of exercise to start with and perhaps don’t want to spend a lot of money on something until you’re sure it’s the exercise for you, outdoor exercise can also be a lot less expensive than, for example, signing up for a  gym membership.

Living by the sea, as so many of us do in this area, means that swimming is free, though it’s probably best not to swim alone, particularly as some of our beaches don’t have lifeguards.

If you’d prefer to stay on dry land, walking needs only a decent pair of shoes – don’t forget to take some water with you.

Cycling can be a little more expensive at the outset, but at the moment, through the Department of Transport, the government have set up a ‘Fix Your Bike Voucher Scheme’ which allows members of the public to receive a voucher worth up to £50 towards the cost of repairing a bike.  The scheme is open to anyone in England who has an unused cycle in need of repair.

If you think running might be your thing, but can’t imagine pounding the streets for mile after mile, the NHS have put together a Couch to 5k plan that sets out a nine week running plan for absolute beginners and takes you to the 5k stage.

Perhaps all of this seems too energetic, but you like the idea of outdoor activity?  If you’re lucky enough to have a garden, then maybe now is the time to make the most of it.

Research conducted by the University of Exeter and the RHS analysed data from nearly 8,000 people between 2009 and 2016.  They found that people who spend time in the garden are significantly more likely to report general good health, higher psychological wellbeing and greater physical activity levels than those who don’t spend time in the garden.

You might want to improve the soil, redesign the layout, do some planting or even establish a kitchen garden where you can grow your own veg.  Having a herb garden doesn’t take up much space and, if you enjoy cooking, could give that added satisfaction of being able to pop outside and pick what you need.

If gardening doesn’t appeal, you can still make the most of your outdoor space, whether it’s a garden, patio or balcony.  Yoga, meditation or simple stretches are all transferable in the good weather.  Other non-exercise activities you might like to try are painting or photography – this could be in your own garden, a public park or one of the many private gardens run by places such as the RHS and National Trust.

So why not make the most of the many outdoor activities available and improve your health and wellbeing at the same time?

 References

Benefits of Exercise: https://medlineplus.gov/benefitsofexercise.html

Benefits of Vitamin D: https://www.healthline.com/health/food-nutrition/benefits-vitamin-d

Vitamin D and depression: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2908269/#__ffn_sectitle

Seven health benefits of outdoor exercise:

https://www.piedmont.org/living-better/7-health-benefits-of-outdoor-exercise#:~:text=Outdoor%20exercise%20can%20help%20ward,It%20challenges%20your%20body.

Department of Transport Fix-a-bike voucher scheme: https://www.gov.uk/guidance/fix-your-bike-voucher-scheme-apply-for-a-voucher#:~:text=Contents&text=The%20Fix%20your%20Bike%20Voucher,cost%20of%20repairing%20a%20bicycle.&text=Vouchers%20are%20being%20released%20gradually,more%20will%20be%20available%20soon.

NHS Couch to 5k: https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/exercise/couch-to-5k-week-by-week/

https://www.rhs.org.uk/advice/health-and-wellbeing/articles/study-on-the-benefits-of-spending-time-in-gardens

Filed Under: Coates Centre, Covid-19, Wellbeing

Anticipatory Grief – What Is It and How Do We Recognise It?

17 June 2020 by Steph McClean

 By Mette Nielsen, Counsellor.

Every one of us will be experiencing the loss of a loved one during our lives. Some of us will be carers for a short or a long time due to illness or a life limiting condition. We may experience feelings and emotions which we find distressing and difficult to manage and this is known as ‘anticipatory grief’. Recognising anticipatory grief may help to make the most of the time you have together.

What is Anticipatory Grief?

You may mourn the loss of the person you are caring for even while they are still alive. The grief you are feeling may not only be for the person who is dying but the life you currently lead. Your life and relationships may have changed dramatically when you became a carer. You will have taken on a great responsibility and may find you are no longer able to plan things, which can be stressful and might leave you feeling guilty. You might have fear, anxiety or panic about “What is going to happen next?” and “How will I manage?” which can take a great toll on your mental wellbeing and stability. This may lead you to feeling unable to concentrate or being distracted. These are normal when you experience anticipatory grief.

The process of anticipatory grief is described as three stages:

  • Experiencing shock about the upcoming loss
  • Denying the reality of the loss
  • Eventual acceptance

 

What are the signs of Anticipatory Grief?

Anticipatory grief is a normal part of mourning when someone is expecting a death. The signs of anticipatory grief are similar to the grief we feel after someone has died. You may be feeling a whole host of things like anger, frustration, desperation, depression, anxiety, isolation, panic, insecurity, guilt, shame or even being fed up. These are all normal and natural to feel as part of the process.

Not everyone will experience this or you might feel reluctant to talk about how you feel because you may think that it will take the focus away from the person who is dying. Although you may feel it is inappropriate to say it out loud, you may wish that it was all over. It is also natural to feel like that. It is important to remember that we all experience grief in different ways.

Anticipatory Grief includes some differences to the grief we feel after someone has died, and you might experience the following:

  • Increasing concern for the dying
  • Imagining or visualising what the person’s death will be like
  • Preparing for what life will be like after a loved one is gone
  • Attending to unfinished business with the dying person

 

How can we best use this time?

This time can be particularly helpful for various reasons as it allows time to prepare and time to talk.

  • Allow feelings of grief to help you prepare – understand the stages of grief, how they may affect people differently. Express your feelings through talking to a friend or family member, a counsellor or a spiritual or religious mentor.
  • Educate yourself about what to expect – research a particular illness or condition or read about other people’s experiences and how they have overcome similar difficulties.
  • Connect with others may have similar experiences – contact local support groups or charities. Being able to talk about and share your experience with others who have some understanding will help to reduce stress and feelings of isolation and loneliness.
  • Enlist help and continue to live your life – Reach out to services such as hospices and other healthcare providers for help and advice. They can offer professional support and guidance with additional care, funding, and other financial, medical and psychological support you may need.
  • Include your friends and family- keep them updated on what is going on and don’t forget to ask for help and support from them too.
  • Create moments your loved one can enjoy – looking at photographs, reminiscing of fond memories and telling stories, playing your favourite games, listening to your favourite songs together.

 

You will be experiencing feelings and emotions which may be distressing and difficult to manage, however, you can minimize the anxiety and stress of anticipatory grief by staying physically and mentally healthy.  Here are some helpful practices and you can do whatever you feel works best for you:

  • Manage your stress
  • Be realistic
  • Give yourself credit, not guilt
  • Take a break
  • Eat a healthy diet
  • Accept that there will be changes in your loved one’s health status
  • Know you aren’t alone

 

 

Helplines and information:

www.mind.org.uk

www.cancerresearch.uk

https://www.thegoodgrieftrust.org/need-know-info/pre-bereavement-advice/

Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/stonewall-strong/201908/how-resilient-people-get-through-anticipatory-grief

Filed Under: Bereavement, Coates Centre, Covid-19, Information and Advice, People, Social, Support Groups, Wellbeing

Planning for the Future: things to consider

17 June 2020 by Steph McClean

By Karen Silverthorne

It seems there are so many extra difficulties to face at the moment and the idea of making end-of-life plans may be something you find difficult.  But by giving consideration to this now, it can lessen anxiety if you become unwell and can help those you are close to if you’re not in a position to make your wishes known.

For example, a lasting power of attorney (LPA) is a document that allows the person you appoint to help you make decisions or to make decisions on your behalf.  There are two types of LPAs:

  • Health and Welfare LPA: this can be used to make decisions about things like life-sustaining treatment, your medical care, when to move to a care home or even your daily personal care routine. A Health and Welfare LPA can only be used once you are no longer able to make your own decisions.
  • Property and Financial Affairs LPA: this covers decisions about your finances, such as managing your bank account(s), collecting benefits and paying bills, as well as about your property, such as when to sell your home. If it is what you want, it can be used from the time it is registered and means that the person you appoint can help you with decisions or can act on your behalf.

You can appoint more than one person in an LPA.  You should think carefully about the person or people you might want to nominate.

A solicitor will draw up a Power of Attorney for you, but you can also download a form from the government website: https://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney for free.  Once this is completed, it has to be registered with the Office of the Public Guardian.  There is a charge for registration.

It may be, should you become seriously ill, there are some types of life-sustaining medical treatment you would want to refuse, such as being put on a ventilator or receiving cardio pulmonary resuscitation (CPR).  Provided you are 18 years or older and deemed to have sufficient capacity to decide your own medical treatment, you could make a Living Will or Advance Decision so that healthcare professionals are able to follow your wishes.

Unless your requests are written down and signed by you and a witness, they cannot be carried out, should you not be in a position to make or communicate those decisions yourself.  It is important to state clearly which treatment(s) you want to refuse and in what circumstances.  You might want to talk to your GP to discuss options before you make up your mind.  You can make a Living Will through your solicitor or the charity Compassion in Dying has a form you can use for free on their website.  There is also advice about who to give a copy of your Living Will to once it has been written and signed.

Making a will is another way to ensure that your wishes are carried out after your death because you can write down what you want to happen to your possessions, money and property.  You can write a will yourself, but if it isn’t straightforward, it might be prudent to get legal advice.  If you pass away and you don’t have a will, the law will decide what happens to everything you own.

As many of us rely heavily on technology these days, you might also want to ensure that anything you store digitally such as photos, or accounts you might have such as eBay or PayPal, will be available to those who you would like to have access.

The Law Society recommends keeping a Personal Assets Log that includes information about your digital assets.  You might want to store information on a USB drive or set everything out on paper and keep the USB or document in a safe place known only to you and those others you wish to tell.

The Bereavement Advice Centre gives more information about dealing with digital information and the British Psychological Society (BPS) has produced a video on digital legacy planning.

Funeral arrangements are something else you might want to plan in advance, although with the current Covid-19 pandemic, all funeral arrangements are subject to guidance put together by the government and can be found their website: www.gov.uk.

If you make plans now, it can give you a sense of control and cause less anxiety both now and in the future.

Bereavement Advice Centre, digital legacy:  https://www.bereavementadvice.org/topics/registering-a-death-and-informing-others/digital-legacy/

British Psychological Society, video on digital legacy planning: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Y3JSpGkXFI&feature=youtu.be

Compassion in Dying: https://compassionindying.org.uk/making-decisions-and-planning-your-care/planning-ahead/

Covid-19: Guidance for Managing a Funeral during the Coronavirus Pandemic: https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/covid-19-guidance-for-managing-a-funeral-during-the-coronavirus-pandemic/covid-19-guidance-for-managing-a-funeral-during-the-coronavirus-pandemic

Make, Register or End a Lasting Power of Attorney: https://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney

Making a Will: https://www.gov.uk/make-will

NHS: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/end-of-life-care/advance-decision-to-refuse-treatment/

Filed Under: Bereavement, Coates Centre, Covid-19, Information and Advice, Wellbeing

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Oakhaven Hospice
Lower Pennington Lane
Lymington
Hampshire
SO41 8ZZ

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